


(hokuje) dancing with your ghost

by jc_lewis



Category: SixTONES (Band)
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, OOC warning, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:08:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26410018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jc_lewis/pseuds/jc_lewis
Summary: hokuto wakes up with knots in his stomach for what he plans to do, but he knows it's the best for both him and jesse.
Relationships: Jesse Lewis/Matsumura Hokuto
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	(hokuje) dancing with your ghost

**Author's Note:**

> it's me again, your (not favorite) hokuje author. i apologize in advance for this fic potentially not making any sense. the nuances are personal and i'm sorry for any ooc behavior. 
> 
> like always, i was listening to "dancing with your ghost" when writing this (during work hours) so i named it after that.

“Come on, sleep five more minutes with me, hm?” His voice was raspy, in-between a whisper and his speaking voice. He opened his arm, and if it were like every other Saturday morning, Hokuto would duck back into his embrace. This time even though he batted his crusty eyelashes in an attempt to keep the boy in bed with him a little longer, Hokuto was not swayed by Jesse’s plea to sleep in. 

Hokuto leaned in and kissed his boyfriend on the forehead, “Keep sleeping, sleepyhead.” 

“Okay, bye bye.” He smiled and tucked himself back in to keep sleeping. 

Hokuto smiled a little, a hint of bitterness, unbeknownst to Jesse. In fact, Jesse had no idea what was going on inside the other boy’s head. He didn’t know the kind of turmoil crashing against Hokuto’s own will. 

In the bathroom, Hokuto stared at the two toothbrushes on the counter top and picked his up. He sighed and mindlessly brushed his teeth. He stared deep into his own reflection in the mirror. The longer he did, the less he recognized the person he had become over the years. 

The man who looked back at him was seven years older than when he had just met Jesse; none the wiser, not any less in love. He rinsed his mouth full of toothpaste without breaking that thought.  _ How did we get here? What am I doing?  _

The voice inside his head was only broken by the water stains on Jesse’s bathroom mirror. It bothered him, so Hokuto took every item off of the bathroom counter top and wiped the mirror, then the sink and then every bottle before neatly placing them back onto the counter: the tea tree oil that was good for his oily skin, the toothpaste that wasn’t too overly minty, the water floss he hardly touched, and the q-tips he used after every shower. 

Somehow, Matsumura Hokuto memorized all of Jesse Lewis’ little habits. When he finally finished in the bathroom, Hokuto put on Jesse’s slippers and stepped out for coffee. As he was walking, he thought about how his Saturday morning routine gave him comfort. He played with the empty ceramic mug as he waited for the elevator, tracing shapes of the blurry reflection. 

Hokuto carried one hot cup of coffee, courtesy of Jesse’s apartment complex, back to the apartment. He tiptoed back into the kitchen to enjoy his coffee, no cream, no sugar - just how he liked it. Some people enjoy a cigarette by the window, but Hokuto enjoys a morning coffee while watching the dog park the apartment overlooked. 

Jesse doesn’t like coffee. 

* * *

After coffee, Hokuto opened the dishwasher to put the mug in and found a dishwasher full of clean dishware. Naturally, he set the used mug on the counter top and emptied the washer into the cupboard. He hissed when he realized the mug had left a ring on the kitchen counter. If Jesse were here, he’d laugh and wipe the mark off, but not without calling Hokuto silly. 

He always felt so small and cherished like a child when Jesse called him silly. But he always kept that to himself. No one needed to know how something so small could make him feel so immensely loved. 

Maybe he was truly a silly one. For thinking this way. 

* * *

He normally lounged on the couch and quietly watched a movie while waiting for Jesse to finally rise from his slumber in the afternoon. Except what Jesse would really do is move from his bed onto the couch and nest his head on Hokuto’s lap and kiss him all over. 

But after wiping the counter, the boy couldn’t leave everything else alone. As he cleaned the stove top, the kitchen table, and wiped the windows, Jesse’s voice resounded in his head.

“Hokuto,” Jesse would whine, “If you did everything, you’d leave nothing for me to do.” He said it like a spoiled child. He said it with a hint of irony. Hokuto would smile and smack him, “What would you do without me?”

After taking out the trash, Hokuto peeked into the bedroom. When he saw Jesse sleeping, he smiled but his eyes welled with tears. Not wanting the sleeping boy to notice, he took a deep breath and then walked in. Hokuto sat on the edge of the bed and reached under the sheets. Although he was sleeping, his boyfriend grabbed Hokuto’s hand by instinct and caressed it against his chest. 

“Are you going to keep sleeping?” Hokuto whispered. 

“You smell like Chlorox.” The other boy sleepily said, “I’ll get up soon.” He tossed and Hokuto withdrew his hand and closed the door on the way out. 

Every time Jesse held his hand, it was like the first time. It made him irrational; it made him lose his mind. 

* * *

After taking a shower, the busy boy emptied the dirty laundry into the washer and then promptly dried it. He remembered the other boy complaining the day before about having to wear briefs he didn’t like. Hokuto pointed out that it was because Jesse hadn’t done his laundry in too long. 

He rolled up each pair of clean boxers and categorized them in the closet. 

At this point, Jesse was awake and could see Hokuto organizing his laundry from his bedroom. He gazed lovingly at Hokuto before wrapping him in an embrace, “Why are you so nice to me?”

This is what Hokuto means. He always felt weak but invincible in Jesse’s arms. 

Hokuto smiled and pulled Jesse close, “Let me introduce you to your new system.” and Jesse patiently listened. 

“This is where dark prints go. Light prints, solid prints, colorful prints, then briefs…” Hokuto went on and Jesse listened. Like this type of conversation was normal between the two lovers. 

“Your dark print section is a little barren.” 

“Yeah, do you think you could use two slots for the colorful ones?” 

“Yeah.” Hokuto pulled out a pair of boxers and a freshly washed towel and ushered Jesse into the shower. 

* * *

The two boys order take-out for dinner that night. But Hokuto wasn’t hungry, even after busily cleaning the whole apartment that day. He looked at Jesse and pushed his plate to him. Not suspecting anything, Jesse packs it back up and sticks it into the fridge. 

That night, they watched a movie together but Hokuto took more bathroom breaks than usual. Jesse noticed, but couldn’t put his finger on what was wrong. He didn’t know what else to do but caress Hokuto’s head lovingly and pat his back gently when they were cuddling during the movie. 

It was two in the morning when the last movie ended. Hokuto asked Jesse if they could go to bed, so the two brushed their teeth together and laid in bed together. Sometimes, they would lay there and fool around, talking about little known science facts or debating about their favorite moments in the movie they just watched. 

Hokuto was quiet. His back was faced to the other boy. The other boy was oblivious. 

Jesse Lewis didn’t know the pain that boiled inside Hokuto, the turmoil that was ripping him into pieces, for what he was about to do. When Jesse put his phone on the charger and turned off the lights, Hokuto gathered up every ounce of courage, finally feeling a tad safer enveloped in the darkness and he threw himself at Jesse. 

Jesse, caught off-guard, only hugged Hokuto back. He heard sobs, and he felt warm tears against his shirt. He was helpless. He peeled Hokuto off himself and against the dim light of the nightlight he saw the beautiful face tainted with tears. 

“I think I have to leave you.” 

Both hearts dropped. An inevitable had manifested. Jesse had no warning. Hokuto had been dreading it all day. The thought of leaving Jesse seemed to echo in his head and the words grew, mutating into a monster inside his head and fed his fears. 

The two boys sprawled on the bed, face to face. Jesse felt weak in his arms and legs. He was paralyzed, seeing the heartbreak in Hokuto’s eyes. Hokuto felt an imaginary hand unplugging every vein to his heart, pain shot up to his heart. And his weeping only grew louder.

He tried to breathe. It was hard. Jesse could only watch. Their history flashed before the crying boy’s eyes and every bit of hell he has been through doesn’t compare to the ending he is experiencing in this second. 

“I’ll leave tomorrow.” It was two thirty in the morning and Hokuto was barely able to mutter those words between learning how to breathe again through sobs. When daylight came, he would have to leave.

The taller boy could only hug Hokuto; he knew this was for the best. He only blamed himself for starting all of this, and for not having the courage to call it quits. Jesse was Hokuto’s nemesis; and Hokuto was always one heartbeat away from being all his. 

And it was this one heartbeat that Hokuto could never get past. He was always so close, but Jesse never truly committed. Hokuto could only lie to himself, over and over. He hugged Jesse and buried his head in his arms. He clenched every muscle, thinking it maybe could prevent him from falling apart. Time seemed to move so suspiciously slow; he didn't know how he could move forward from here. 

“I might go back to America.” Jesse finally broke the silence, “my parents want me to go back.” Years ago, he embarked to Japan for university and found a job. But it was time to get serious, according to his parents, and if he didn’t want to settle down in Japan, he was to return to America.

“Maybe if you were far away from me, it would be better for the both of us.” Hokuto commented. Despite their ups and downs, the two never managed to stay away from each other all these years. Like a moth to a flame. 

“All these years,” Hokuto peeled himself out of Jesse and propped himself up. He traced Jesse’s jawline carefully with his hand, “All these years, I felt like…” his eyes welled up with tears, “You gave all of your kindness, your generosity, your thoughtfulness, to everyone else.” He paused, “And you only leave me with all the spare. Leaving me to yearn for the bare minimum.” He wanted to clench his teeth, he wanted to muster up energy to  _ try  _ to hate Jesse.

But he couldn’t. 

  
“Yet all this hell you put me through does not compare to leaving you, again.”

“I’m sorry.” Jesse’s voice cracked. He tried to cover his face and his own tears. He couldn’t bear seeing Hokuto cry. Moreover, he couldn’t bear his own disgust with himself, “This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have started this…” 

He started this with the intention of finally marrying Hokuto. Somehow, he thought they would start a family. And something changed along the way, he got scared. He couldn’t even trust himself anymore. He started to avoid the question. He never told his friends that they were dating once again.

Hokuto’s heart became cold. Over and over again. At the empty promises that Jesse stabbed him with. 

Even if he was bleeding, he could never tell Jesse this was his fault. He watched Jesse cry and it tortured him even more, “It’s not your fault.” His heart shattered into sharp pieces, seeing Jesse’s broken facade only made him cry along. 

“One day you will find a nice girl your parents want for you. And you will be happy.” Hokuto forced a smile.

“What about you?” 

He wanted to say the same for himself. But how could he love again? 

“I will be fine.” He replied. 

Hokuto sat up on the bed and felt a light-headed rush. It felt like an out of body experience. His body couldn’t comprehend how this was happening to him. The two had been entangled in each other, weeping and crying, wondering how two people who felt so terribly sad and so horribly broken over being separated  _ had _ to separate. 

They didn’t understand what went wrong. Perhaps that was the hardest part of all this ordeal. They didn’t know how to sleep; or how to anticipate a sunrise. They didn’t know that the wound from carving the other out of their lives would not only be a quick pain. But it would warp time, causing them to bleed, but slowly and cripplingly. 

Neither could see beyond the immediate moment. Even though there were flashes of denial, where they suddenly would reminisce on an old memory, it was too temporary. As if breaking apart forged a stronger bond between the two lovers. Ironic, it was. 

Ultimately they fell asleep in a state of denial. And woke up with an impending doom. But the Sunday morning routine commenced as usual. They smiled and laughed, as though the night before was a dream. 

And when breakfast was over, Hokuto packed his bags to return home after the weekend. Neither acknowledged, neither denied the end. 

At the door, the two hugged for longer than usual.

“Are we okay?” Hokuto finally muttered.

Jesse nodded. He leaned down and kissed him on the lips. 

* * *

When the door closed, Hokuto walked to his car without much thought. In his car, he sent a text. And then he blocked any thoughts from entering or leaving his mind. He knew he would break down otherwise; maybe it was only a bandage to the crippling wound.

_ “Thank you, Jesse. I loved you so much. This is what’s best for both of us, and it is up to me to write this ending.”  _

_ “Without me, you will be happier. Thank you, Hokuto. And I’m sorry.”  _

To them, this was the only ending that was acceptable. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> (sadly) based on a true story. it's me, a personal experience i went through last weekend except i didn't have the balls like hokuto to actually end things. (hokuto you are much braver than me). sorry for making jesse an asshole. 
> 
> i also wrote this so fast, i dont know if it even makes hardly any sense. 
> 
> tl;dr  
> after long contemplation, hokuto finally proposed a break-up but couldn't bear to do it, so instead he distracts himself with cleaning every corner in jesse's apartment. he hates himself for having to do it. and he hates himself for not being able to hate jesse. jesse is a conflicting character in here; he has trouble facing what he's done. and like that the two would only continue hurting each other and avoiding the inevitable if they stayed together. so this is the only ending that is acceptable, but also the hardest one to face. so they choose to pretend like its not happening, until they separated - that was when it finally all hit.


End file.
